Trying to Push Through Anyway!

John 6: 33 For the bread of God is He which cometh down from heaven, and giveth life unto the world. 34 Then said they unto Him, Lord, evermore give us this bread. 35 And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to Me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on Me shall never thirst. 

These are pretty amazing words, although I was thinking of it in a different way right now. After Dad's death, I tried to all the things that needed to be done in one day. I worked all day until late in the night, barely stopping to eat, which is unusual for me.

It didn't matter that I skipped meals, there was no way that I could possibly get everything done in one day, although I really gave it my best shot. When I get into the I's and Me's thinking, I'm not focusing on Christ's will for me. He wouldn't want me ignoring my family or eating to get this all done. In fact, most days when I worked so hard at trying to get it all done, I ended up with the pains in my head. 

It's a good indicator that I needed to let go of the I's and Me's and what I had planned, what I wanted to get done and listen when Christ lets me know that it was enough for now. I needed to trust the instincts that He gives me rather than push right through on my own timing.

Because these posts are examples of how I've applied these Bible verses to my life, they don't necessarily reflect the whole meaning of the Bible verse/s. Debbie


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Pains in My Head that Christ Takes Away

Matthew 11: 28 Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

I always got frustrated when I would see shows or hear of people being money-grubby after the loss of a family member. I never wanted to be this way, but Dad left the money in my name, I think knowing that I would disperse it like he would have wanted.

The thing is, when I was dealing with how to do this with minimal instruction from my dad before he passed, it would weigh on me and go through my mind over and over, trying to make the right decisions on Dad's behalf. Inevitably, I would get pains in my head.

One time, I thought it was because I hadn't had enough salt, since my cardiologist told me that I don't tend to get enough. So, I, having a tendency to overcompensate, ate about half a bag or so of tortilla chips. Not only did I still have the pains in my head, but my stomach didn't feel so good, either.  I have found that when I get the pains in my head when dealing with my dad's finances or possessions, I have to keep turning it over to Christ, Who doesn't want me to worry about things. If I turned more things over into His very capable hands, I probably wouldn't get the pains in my head. 


Because these posts are examples of how I've applied these Bible verses to my life, they don't necessarily reflect the whole meaning of the Bible verse/s. Debbie


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That Wasn't What Christ or My Dad Would Have Wanted

Matthew 5: 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you: 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for He maketh His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same?

After Dad had passed, they had a procession at the Veteran's Home and the majority of the staff came to witness Dad's final departure from the Veteran's Home. It was extremely moving, a tribute fit for a veteran.

After it was over, the majority of the staff standing outside came up and gave me a hug, whether I knew them or not. I told each of them, "Thank you for all you did for my Dad and all the other veterans." I said that regardless, because some of those people might have worked with Dad on different shifts, so I wanted to make sure I acknowledged all they did.

I could see this one administrative person standing down at the end of the other staff. It quickly flashed back that this person was the one who continued to try to deny my dad Physical Therapy service and want him to go on Hospice services way before it was ever necessary. I have to admit that I had a flash of resentment when I saw him there. All the other administrators and physical therapy staff were outstanding, like extended family. I was surprised when he came up to give me a hug. For a split second I wanted to be Catty, it seemed so very hypocritical that he should be there, but I knew that wasn't what Christ or my dad would have wanted, so I gave him a hug and said, "Thank you for all you did for my Dad and all the other veterans." There would have been a time when I would have eaten over something like this or held on to resentments, but Christ didn't want that either. I left feeling good that Dad will join God in heaven and I had no remorse about the interaction with that administrator.

Because these posts are examples of how I've applied these Bible verses to my life, they don't necessarily reflect the whole meaning of the Bible verse/s. Debbie

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Shoes, Figures, and Dates

Romans 5:21 That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord.

I think I'm doing just fine, then Christ shows me that I'm really not. The other day, my husband hired someone to repair some things. I came out to get my breakfast to take back to the bedroom and eat, so I wasn't in the middle of the repairs. I looked at my left foot to figure out why it was hurting. It turned out that I had two totally different shoes on!

Then, I was trying to calculate some things and found I made lots of errors that I had to go back and correct afterward. Also, there's the matter of posting somewhere between 6 to 8 blogs on the wrong date. Fortunately, Christ had it dawn on me that I had done that, so I could rectify it today. 

It's like Christ keeps showing me that I'm not as fine as I think. He's showing me that I am hiding behind the business of dividing Dad's things, finances, writing thank you cards, etc. to avoid dealing with my loss. I really miss my dad, which really surprises me how much, because I'm very happy he's in heaven. I'm very happy he passed peacefully. I'm very happy my family was there to support me through this. I have had doctors and nurses trying to prepare me for the last four or five years that Dad wasn't going to make it much longer. I feel so very blessed to have had the last 5+ years with Dad through this phase of his life, so why am I so sad when I have so many things that I'm happy about? I miss my Dad....


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Banking Issues

Revelation 21: 2 And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself shall be with them, and be their God. 4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes: and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

I had read some years ago, that you are supposed to go to the bank right after someone passes to tell them to send back the person's Social Security check and any other checks they may have received, so you don't get in trouble. I think the implication was that some people kept the money that was sent that month and didn't have any plans of returning it to the issuing entity.

After I found out that my bank does not return the checks, I did some banking things on Dad's accounts, since I was also on his accounts. I put the two accounts into one. I started the procedures to divide the remaining assets equally between Dad's three children.

Then, I asked the bank manager if I had to get new checks on Dad's account. I had been doing well until I tried to explain. I told her that I wanted to continue to use the same checks with Dad's and my name on them, because I didn't want to take Dad's name off of the checks. I thought I was going to start bawling right then and there, but was just leaky around the edges. The bank manager was very gracious about it. I need to continue to remember to turn my grief over to Christ's very capable hands.

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Dividing Up Things

John 5:24 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth My word, and believeth on Him that sent Me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life.

If felt it was my place to take Dad's remaining objects, certificates, etc. and divide them among his grandchildren, so they had keepsakes of his. It became an all consuming project. I couldn't go to sleep until late, because I wanted to get it divided up and mark that off my list of things I wanted to do for Dad. 

Next, was the packing it up. I thought it wouldn't take long, but took much longer than I ever anticipated. Again, I approached this task with vigor and barely stopped to eat. I felt that when I had mailed off all the boxes to the relatives and had written the thank you cards, I would feel relieved. 

I did feel relieved, because I wanted to do it for Dad. It didn't stop the grief, though, which seems to come out when I least expect it. I'm finding that it especially comes out when I have to explain things to other people. I don't seem to feel it as much when I don't have to explain things. I think I'm possibly trying to stay busy, busy, busy, too busy to feel. I've got to keep remembering to turn my grief over to my Lord and Savior. He knows what I need.


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Lunch With a Friend

1 Corinthians 15: 20 But now is Christ risen from the dead, and become the first fruits of them that slept. 21 For since by man came death, by man came also the resurrection of the dead. 22 For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.

I went to lunch with a friend on the particular weekend we meet each month. I had decided to get Chicken Fried Steak, since my dad liked it so much. I like it too, but don't usually eat it often, because I have high cholesterol. This was the second time I've eaten Chicken Fried Steak in a the last week and a half.

The friend asked how I was doing and I said fine. I wanted to tell her about the excellent service we got from the funeral service that was recommended to us. That's all it took. It seemed that once I started, I told detail after detail, when they hadn't been requested.

You would think that sharing all that information would leave me feeling better, but it just left me feeling drained. I need to remember to put this grief into Christ's very capable hands.

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Dad's Funeral

Romans 8: 1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.

We were very fortunate that we had gotten advice from someone from the local Funeral Consumer's Alliance. They are a nonprofit organization that protects consumer's rights to choose a meaningful, dignified, and affordable funeral. She suggested two very reputable funeral homes in our area and we chose one for Dad and prepaid it several years ago, when he was going in and out of the hospital and the doctors didn't expect him to make it much longer. 

It was such a relief, knowing that all those details were already taken care of. I was felt good that Dad was no longer suffering and had passed peacefully. I was happy to have our immediate families with us and a couple of friends at the funeral at the National Cemetery. 

I was fine until they took the flag off of Dad's coffin and started to fold the flag. I put my hand over my mouth, because I was afraid that I might make some kind of noise as I cried. To top that all off, one of the soldiers handed me the flag and stared right into my eyes as he thanked me for my dad's service. It's at times that I think I'm holding it all together, when Christ shows me that I still have grief that I have to deal with, yet. I need to keep remembering to put this into Christ's very capable hands. 


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Woofing Down My Food

1 Timothy 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. 

Last night, as I lay in bed, I realized that I put the wrong dates on 6 to 8 of my posts about my dad's "passing". See it's easier for me to say "passing" than to say "passing away" or to say "death." I've got a ways to go in the healing process.

Anyway, I had a turkey/cheese wrap I was going to eat for lunch, mainly because it had been there  for some time and I didn't want it to spoil. As I read all the post topics while I was correcting the dates on them, I had eaten both halves of the wraps in about 4 or 5 minutes. 
Now, I'm usually a pretty fast eater, but this level of woofing down food defies anything I've done in the past. It took me a few minutes to prayerfully ponder it, before realizing that it's reading all these topics about my dad's "passing." O.K. Don't be hard on me! I'm just praying my way through all of this. I think I'm doing fine and then Christ shows me that I'm just going through the motions of doing fine. I need to be more prayerful about putting all the stress and grief in Christ's very capable hands.

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Cleaning Dad's Room

1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sin.

We had stayed at the hotel an extra night after Dad passed, so we could clean his room the next day. I didn't want the Veteran's Home staff to have to do it, since they had been so wonderful to my dad. 

I had a friend that lived in the area ask if there was anything she could do to help. She had just lost her husband a few weeks earlier and I didn't want to impose on her gracious nature. I told her that we were heading to the Veteran's Home shortly and I thought we could handle it ourselves, but she could come by and visit, if she'd like to.

Well, first of all, I was running and late, and who do you think greeted us with a warm smile and hug, was this special lady. She followed us to Dad's room and started sorting out things for us which was a tremendous help. I had underestimated how long it should take my husband and I to clean out Dad's room, but we would have never gotten it done by then if it hadn't been for her help. She was amazing. She provided the level of emotional support that we needed, at the time, plus she helped sort things that would have taken forever if we had done it all ourselves. I am so thoughtful that Christ had provided this friend to help us out when I thought we could do it by ourselves. Fortunately God, always sees the big picture and knew we needed help. I'm so very blessed He looks after me and blessed to have such a good friend to be willing to do all of that so soon after her husband's passing!


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Chicken Fried Steak for Memory's Sake

1 Timothy 6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. 

Some time after the funeral home had escorted Dad away, I told my husband I needed to go eat, because my stomach was sick, which probably had more to do with all the events of my dad's passing than it had to do with actual hunger. He decided to take us to one of the places we had taken Dad for his birthday a few years earlier.

When I saw the menu, I saw that they had a Chicken Fried Steak sandwich. I reminded me of my dad who loved Chicken Fried Steak. So, that's what I ordered. As I ate it, I was reminded of times we had taken Dad to different restaurants and he would order Chicken Fried Steak. I know it probably wasn't the best thing for me to do, but it really felt right!

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We Walked in a Procession Through the Veteran's Home

Romans 8: 1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. 

During the night before as I sat and held Dad's hand, I hoped and prayed that he didn't pass in the night, because I wanted him to have the procession as Veteran's Saluted him, which they only did during the day time.

Dad did pass during the day, but the funeral home was far away and they couldn't have the procession until they came with the gurney. I was told that they weren't allowed to have the procession after 6 p.m., because the maintenance people who played TAPS over the loud speaker would no longer be there. We waited and waited and waited. I explained to the nurse that I knew it was out of our hand if it the funeral home didn't get there in time, but asked her if we could wait until the last minute, because I wanted Dad to have that procession. 

I went down to the office and saw the van fro the funeral home arrive at 5:45. One of the nurses said she would take care of it and for me to get my husband to get into position. They announced that it was the last call for my Dad, and as they played TAPS, we walked down the Veteran's Home halls in a procession as Veteran's and staff saluted my dad who was draped with a flag. The majority of the Veteran's Home staff went outside to escort Dad as his remains were safely put into the funeral home van. The head nurse of Dad's hall and I looked at each other and said almost the same thing at the same time. It was a miracle! We had finished the procession by 6:00 and we both knew that Christ had His hand in making this possible!!! 


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I Left and Tried to Make It Back in Time

John 14: 27 Peace I leave with you, My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

I was trying to hurry back after my husband's dentist appointment, so I could go back to holding Dad's hand at his bedside. The Hospice nurse called when we had only traveled about 15 miles. She told me that Dad only had minutes. I told her to ask Dad to hold on, because we were on the way there to be with him. Five minutes later, the Hospice nurse called and told me that Dad had passed away peacefully. 

We finally got there and the Hospice nurse and Veteran's Home nurses were there to comfort me. I kept saying that we were trying so hard to get back to be with Dad before he passed, but couldn't make it back in time.

One of the Veteran's Home nurses said that she thinks that Dad passed while we were gone, because he wanted to spare me the pain of being there at his death. I thought about it, and it sounded exactly like something my dad would do. He always tried to protect me and I love him dearly for that! Later, I thought that even if Dad hadn't done that, my heavenly Father did, because the timing of Dad's passing was in His hands, so God was trying to spare me the pain fo being there when Dad actually passed.


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Remembering When...

Luke 23: 42 And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when Thou comest into Thy kingdom. 43 And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, to day shalt thou be with me in paradise.

I picked this Bible passage, because it mentions remembering. Well, as I sat there by Dad's bedside holding his hand the night before his death, I tried to recall all the events in our lives together.  I told so many stories, of when we went camping, when he had a gas station and took my brother to work with him, when we went fishing together, so many, many fond memories.

I even stuck in some not so fond memories, like when I got carsick on a camping trip and had to stick my head out the window, because we weren't allowed to stop and how Dad had to apologize to the driver behind us, because he had to clean of his car.

As I was remembering when, Jesus was calling Dad unto His kingdom as in this verse: Luke 23: 42 And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when Thou comest into Thy kingdom. 43 And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, to day shalt thou be with me in paradise. Actually, I hadn't thought of the parallel in both things until I started writing this. Jesus is so amazing and draws me to see His magnificent hand in all things!


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As God Stood at the Door

Rev 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear My voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with Me.

When I first got to the Veteran's Home, I asked for Dad's big read Bible as I held his hand. I immediately started reading Psalm 23: 1-6: The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 

After that, I went to the part where Dad and I had last left off. When Dad went to the group home several years ago, I started reading the New Testament to him every now and then when the timing worked out. When I would finish reading that particular chapter, I would tell Dad what chapter we would read next.

The bookmark where we had last read was in the early part of II Corinthians. I was determined to finish II Corinthians with Dad, so I read until we finished. I can't know if it was reassuring to Dad, but I know it was reassuring to me. I also picked the following Bible passage for this post, because I feel that's what was going on as I was reading to Dad: Rev 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear My voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with Me.


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I'm Glad that God Will Never Leave Us, because I Had Left

Hebrew 13: 5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for He hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. 6 So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

While I was eating breakfast next to Dad, as he lay in bed after a major episode the night before, my husband came to see me. He had been staying in the hotel through the night, because I told him that I wanted to spend the night and hold Dad's hand and he should go get some rest, because he had a major dental appointment the next day to get an dental implant.

When I talked to my husband, as I woofed down my breakfast, I talked to him about his appointment. He was determined to drive back the 1 hour to the Veteran's Home as soon as they completed the implant. I didn't want him driving all that way on whatever medications they would give him, so I talked to the Hospice nurse. 

I heard that noise Dad made as he breathed, but she said it was normal. I mentioned that I had read that some people make a breathing noise just before they die (Death Rattle) and asked her if that is what it was without using the term in front of Dad. She said it was. I asked how long we might have, because I didn't want to leave Dad, but I didn't want my husband driving back from the dentist on medications that might affect his driving and safety. She told me that there's usually 24-48 hours. I asked her if that time was from last night's episode or from this morning when Dad started making that noise. She said that it's from when he started breathing like that. We talked and she felt that I could drive my husband to the appointment an hour away and come back and still be able to be with Dad and hold his hand when he passed, but it wasn't to be. Fortunately, God was there with Dad, because He never leaves, nor forsakes us.

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Holding Dad's Hand

1 Peter 3:17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.

We rushed to Dad's bedside and I stayed there holding his hand through the night. Every time I had to go to void, I would used Dad's attached bathroom and ask the Hospice nurse if she could hold onto Dad's hand for me while I used the bathroom. I didn't want my dad's hand to be cold when I withdrew mine to use the lavatory.

When I got finished, I would hold Dad's hand again. At one point, the Hospice nurse went down the hall. When she returned, she asked me if I needed to have her hold Dad's hand, so I could use the bathroom. I told her no, because Dad was holding my hand, at that point. It wasn't that Dad's hand was just laying on my hand and he wasn't squeezing my hand in pain. Dad was holding my hand in a comforting manner which I truly cherish every time I think of it.

When the nurse came in to check on Dad at 6:00, I asked if she would get me a guest tray for breakfast. I thought the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach was hunger, but it really was from the stress of everything, but I was so very, very happy to be there with Dad through all of this. 
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We Got to Dad as Fast as We Could

Revelation 3:3 Remember therefore how thou hast received and heard, and hold fast, and repent. If therefore thou shalt not watch, I will come on thee as a thief, and thou shalt not know what hour I will come upon thee.

We had gotten the call from the nurse that Thursday night just before we headed to bed, packed our bags and got to Dad in record time, which defies all logic, because it takes an hour to get to the Veteran's Home and we didn't exceed the speed limit. 

They said that Dad had projectile vomiting across the room, but the nurse had cleaned him up and had administered some heavy pain medications to comfort Dad's erratic breathing. I asked him if he was still in pain and he said yes while he gave a slight nod to his head. They administered more heavy pain meds, at that point, while I held Dad's hand.

Dad slowly went off to sleep. He slept peacefully all night as I held his hand. He looked and sounded like Dad normally sleeps, with his mouth open and his breathing sounded very regular. I had hopes that maybe, Dad would be just fine in the morning, but that wasn't to be. I'm so glad I got to be with Dad throughout the night. 


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I Became the Fatherless, but not Exactly

James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

At first, I picked this verse, because it had the word visit in it. I wanted to tell you about the visit we had with Dad, but will explain more later. We went to the Veteran's Home to visit Dad like we usually do. I was a bit apprehensive, because a week earlier I had signed the Hospice papers, because Dad told the nurse that he wanted extra support for pain that Hospice could give him. I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw Dad that day.

Actually, Dad looked pretty good. We had lunch together. He ate most of a cup of soup and crackers. The Veteran's Home has wonderful soup that always tastes like homemade. Dad let me feed him three orange jellos. He ate his jello, my husband's and my jello. He let me take his fortified ice cream and milk shake flavored drink to make a milk shake for him and he let me give him every last drop. Now, me, on the other hand, woofed down my meal in five minutes flat. It's a really bad habit I've developed over the years. 

After going back and spending some time with Dad in his room, we headed back home. We had finished watching Heartland, one of our favorite series from Netflix, when we got the call as we were headed for bed. The nurse asked how far away I was, which told me a lot. I asked if I should come and they said that they can't make that call. I asked if it were her dad would she go and she said yes! I told her it takes at least an hour to drive there, but we were packing our bags and heading right there to see Dad as soon as we could possibly get there. I didn't know that within 24 hours I would be one of the fatherless. Fortunately, my heavenly Father was there with me through it all.


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